Accepting the Unacceptable

“We must accept finite disappointment,

But never lose infinite hope.”

- - - Martin Luther King

We experienced a huge collective disappointment this week. We all worked so hard. We donated, knocked on doors, texted, made phone calls, wrote postcards, talked to each other and tried to stay hopeful. We used our discipline to stay positive. We believed we were on the winning side, but we didn’t get what we wanted. Sometimes life is like that.

Some of us are scared. Some of us are angry. Some of us are depressed and we want to give up. Some of us are confounded. Some of us feel like losers. Some of us are all of the above. I teeter on the edge of all of these feelings so I’ve been turning to the wisdom of our spiritual leaders who have gone through a great deal of difficulty and emerged with humility and compassion.

Concentration camp survivor, Viktor Frankl, said, “Disappointment and problems are part of life and we need to find meaning in them.”

Pema Chodron said, “When there’s a big disappointment, we don’t know if that’s the end of the story. It may be just the beginning of a great adventure.”

“No appointments, no disappointments,” said, Stephen Levine, referring to managing our expectations.

I know that all of the above are just words right now. They don’t mean much in the throes of what we’re feeling. It doesn’t work to try to force your heart open when it’s twisted into a tight knot. We just have to wait. We need to breathe and be kind to ourselves and each other. To cradle our hearts. To feel our feelings fully. To remember that we’re not alone, that we are all in this together and we have to remind each other to find hope, no matter the circumstances. Sometimes we need someone else who can “talk us off the ledge.” Someone who won’t tell us how to feel or what to do. Someone with compassion who will listen. Someone who will encourage us to become vulnerable. Someone who will allow us to be disappointed but show us an alternative way to be with what has happened.

In the wake of this election, for some of us, nothing in our present day to day life will change. For others, that isn’t true. But for all of us, if we catastrophize the situation, project misery and anger and live in fear, we become beaten down and lost. Losing feels awful but I don’t want to live a fear-based life. I don’t want disappointment to destroy my self-confidence. I want to find the courage to stay engaged and face my difficulties with a commitment to stay strong, no matter what life hands me. I want to find the courage to see possibility where there seems to be none. To try to listen to people who are suffering in ways that I’m not. I want to find the courage to accept what has happened, to surrender the thought that I’m in trouble and turn to my friends to pull me out of the downward spiral of pain and sorrow.

We have just been through what I call a spiritual trial. This is a time when we all have to turn to each other. It doesn’t help to isolate. I’ve been making phone calls to my close friends who have the same values that I do. Some of them have called me. It takes strength and awareness to face each day and not lose hope, but not getting what we want doesn’t mean we failed the test. Spiritual trials aren’t measured in successes or failures. They are ongoing challenges that ask us to stay conscious and humble, to be present, to listen, and to stay aware of what we are feeling, not what we think we should be feeling. And to be willing to engage with and listen to those whose opinions differ from ours. It’s understandable why they believe lies. Life is so hard for many of them, they are grabbing onto what they hope might make their lives bearable.

There are so many emotions to be sorted out right now and I feel exhausted. We all do. These last months have been punishing. But I’m finding that bit by bit, if I let myself feel what’s going on inside of me, if I let go of desperation and blaming, I’m slowly moving back into my life, a little sadder and a lot wiser. I had no idea that so many Americans were suffering. For me, it’s time to face the truth and make sense of what feels like nonsense.

Although it seems counterintuitive, the deeper we go and the more we feel, the more we can let go of disappointment and rise. Scientist Mesaru Emoto, student of human consciousness said, “If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now, and when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.”

Let’s slog through the mud together, open our hearts and find the beauty and vitality on the other side.