Believe In Yourself

I started writing poetry in the fourth grade. I wasn’t great at it. I wasn’t even good at it. I didn’t aspire to be. I just liked writing, I liked rhyming and I liked to watch the words fill up the page. I showed my poetry to my teacher, Mr. Mullins (hard to believe I still remember his name), and he made a big deal out of it. I continued writing and to this day, it engages me in a positive way.

When I was in my twenties, before I began my professional writing career, I went to a poetry gathering in Venice beach. We sat in a semi-circle, the facilitator sat in the middle and each person took a turn reading something they had brought from home. When they finished, class members made comments that were kind and constructive – all except for one woman.

Her mousey brown hair was swept into a messy ponytail at the back of her head and she looked bored and angry. After each person read their poem that was so precious to them, she said something mean and degrading. I don’t know why the leader allowed it. When it was my turn, I picked up the poem I’d brought with me. As I read, I became more comfortable and when I finished, I looked up and people had smiles on their faces – all except you know who. She was ready to pummel me like she did everyone else. “That sounded like a Hallmark greeting card,” she said. It stung. How could it not? We kept going around the circle and we were all waiting for the sour woman to read what she had written. But when it was her turn, she got up and left.

I learned some valuable lessons that day that have helped me enormously throughout my career as an editor and a coach. There’s a way to comment on a person’s work, no matter how good or bad it is, with kindness and compassion. There’s a way to make suggestions that inspire, rather than leaving someone feeling defensive and inadequate. There’s a way to stop people from judging themselves so they can get on with their work. There isn’t much use in believing someone else’s negative comments about your work. Your inner critic will do a better job of thrashing you than anyone on the outside can ever do. It’s your job to pay no attention to the proverbial “man behind the curtain.” He has nothing for you that will help you learn and grow.

In my writing classes, we spend forty minutes writing and then we read our pieces out loud. The reading part is scary. Most people think that what they wrote is rambling or shallow. I allow them a disclaimer before they read:

I hate what I wrote.

Can I read first? My piece is so bad, I want to get it over with.

This goes all over the place.

I couldn’t think of anything to say.

I’m embarrassed to have anyone hear this.

I remember that painful writing circle and while I welcome a good discussion about the topic someone chose, I don’t allow anyone to negatively critique anyone else. No cross talk, as they say in AA. I make suggestions to expand upon what they wrote and I point out gaps where they could go deeper. I remind my students to look, not at how far they have to go, but rather how far they’ve come since they began. That makes them feel comfortable enough to leave themselves alone and be glad to have the feedback.

One day when I was cleaning up the shelves in my office, I found an old report card from elementary school. “Andrea is a good reader,” the teacher had written, “but creative writing is not her strength. It would be wise for her to choose something else to aspire to.” I don’t remember seeing that but I have a little “creative writing!” I’d like to send her that might wake her up.

We are so susceptible to other people’s opinions about us, they can cause us to stop what we love doing. But when someone rejects or demeans my work, that’s one person’s opinion. After I wrote my first book about the Philippine healers, I spent three years trying to get an agent. It was a rough ride. I kept getting rejections and once, I threw the book in the closet and slammed the door.

Then there were the nasty ones. An agent called me on the phone and I was encouraged. People had told me that agents only call when they want to represent you. But they got it wrong. This woman laid into me so hard, I could barely listen to her. “Your book is ridiculous,” she said. “Everyone thinks they wrote something great. Everyone thinks they wrote a bestseller.”

“We have to believe in our work,” I said to her. “How else can we keep writing?”

I hung up the phone and went straight to my bedroom. I climbed into bed, pulled up the covers and I lay there for a while. That woman’s hostile words echoed in my mind – until a kinder voice took over. “You’re okay,” I heard. ”Keep going. She rejected your book. Not you.” I got out of bed, went back to my office and started searching for more agents. If I had let that woman stop me, I wouldn’t have gotten the book deal with Simon & Schuster that made my book successful.

Elton John said, “I’m not everybody’s cup of tea. But criticism can hurt. Be respectful. If you don’t like it, fair enough. But give me a break.”

I would add to that, “Give yourself a break.” While we may see the value in someone else’s work, we are poor judges of our own. It’s a strange phenomenon, like the fact that I can easily catch typos when I edit my clients’ books, but it’s hard catch them in my own writing. If you decide to just write, even when you think it sucks, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how different it sounds than you thought it would. Once you get past caring if other people are judging you, you’re free to decide for yourself. Five different people will give you five different opinions. You can listen but for better or worse, you get to make the final call.