More on Surviving Rejection: Excerpt from my book: A Friendly Guide to Writing and Ghostwriting

Oprah Winfrey said, “I don't want anyone who doesn't want me.” Her sentiment can be your mantra as you climb the proverbial ladder and keep finding yourself back at the bottom rung. It’s disappointing but you don't want your book to end up in the hands of a agent who doesn’t care. Someone has to fall in love with your work if you expect them to put in the required heft to earn you a publishing deal. If an agent is not moved by your work, if they’re not in love with it, they won't be inspired to move mountains for you. Just keep on trying until the right agent comes forward with enthusiasm, someone who understands and likes your book well enough to believe in it and want to see it in print.

Let’s assume you got a publisher. You can’t wait to hold a book in your hands. Your vision has taken form and you feel like you’ve finally earned the right to call yourself an author. But now, you're facing the very real possibility of rejection as the critics begin writing reviews. When you get singled out for a review, it’s exciting. Someone is recognizing you. But you may not like what they have to say. If it's a bad review, it doesn't mean that your book sucks. You have to keep your distance and try to tolerate critics evaluating your work who don't seem to get it. We just aren't taught how to survive rejection in this society. There are many opinions about the fact that schools have started giving prizes and awards not only to winning teams but also to the losing ones. How will we ever learn to survive rejection later in life if we always win?

When I was young and the promise of something good was on the horizon, my mother used to say, “Don’t get excited. You might get disappointed.” Is disappointment lethal? I wondered. If I don't get excited, how will I maintain a positive attitude? I’ve learned since that disappointment isn't the worst thing in the world. It won’t kill you. Quite the opposite. It’ll show you how to withstand rejection and be happy for someone else without folding in on yourself.

A friend of mine was looking for an apartment and when I asked him how the search was going, he told me he would never find what he wanted.

“How many places have you seen?” I asked him.

“None. I found a list online and nothing seems right.”

I agreed that he would never find a new apartment. His attitude, part depression and part fear, was stopping him from doing the footwork. I’m not suggesting that thinking about something will make it so. I’m not talking about magical thinking. But if you don't have the will power to maintain a positive outlook, you’ll never find the energy to keep bucking the odds.  

Here are some examples of how I deal with rejection:

• I take twenty-four hours to cry, complain and feel like a victim. Then, I relegate my upset to the background and start all over again.

• If a publisher sends me a rejection letter with notes, I determine whether they’re on point. I may use the suggestions or not, depending on whether they ring true to me. It’s my book and I get to do with it as I please but I don't want my upset about being rejected to stop me from making my book better.

• Someone once told me, “There’s no such thing as waiting patiently. You’re either patient or you’re waiting.” Once I send my baby out into the world, I try to be patient by distracting myself and carrying on with my life. I do my best to envision success rather than failure.

• I keep in mind that if an agent, editor, or publisher is rejecting my work, I’m still me, I’m still fine, and I’m dedicated to continuing my search for a home for my book.

Author Charles Bukowski wittingly comments on the separation of the man and his work:

Sometimes when everything seems at its worst

When all conspires and gnaws
And the hours, days, weeks years seem wasted – 
Stretched there upon my bed in the dark
Looking upward at the ceiling
I get what many will consider an obnoxious thought:
It’s still nice to be Bukowski.

When a publisher turns you down, it doesn’t mean it’s bad. He may not be interested in your topic or it may not fit into a niche he’s trying to fill. When you audition for a role in a movie, if they're looking for a Latina with dark hair and brown eyes and you're a blue-eyed blond Caucasian, if they want an elderly woman and you’re in your twenties, how can you take it personally when they don't choose you?

Keep in mind that publishers are usually looking for books and writers that specialize in particular genres. There are political writers and fiction writers. Some write memoirs, spiritual guides, biographical accounts and self-help books. Others tackle religious topics. This is where a thick skin comes in handy because it’s so easy to make up negative stories about why your book didn't sell.

Before J.K. Rowling created Harry Potter, she was a single mother without a job, living on welfare, struggling with clinical depression. She would take her infant daughter to coffee shops where she wrote, with no idea if she was creating anything decent. She only knew that she was inspired. When she finished her first book, she was rejected by a dozen publishers but she didn't give up. When she finally got a bite from Bloomsbury Press, a remote publishing house, they told her not to hold her breath because her book probably wouldn’t make much money. We all know what happened next.

When you’re waiting to hear back about your work, you may have to endure criticism from agents who fancy themselves writers, publishers who are too young to know better or too afraid to buy anything innovative, and friends and family who mean well but they’ve been trained to expect the worst. You just have to learn to survive. I like to remember the unsavory maxim,

Opinions are like a**holes. Everybody has one and most of them stink.

 If you let someone else’s opinion buzz in your head and torment you, if you start to believe that your book stinks, you’ll get sucked downward into a painful vortex. I’ve been there and believe me, it’s a long way back up again.

Saul Bellow said, I discovered that rejections are not altogether a bad thing. They teach a writer to rely on his own judgment and to say in his heart of hearts, “To hell with you.”

Here are some things to do when you're facing rejection:

• Remind yourself that you can withstand other people’s comments, whatever they are.

• Take a day to grumble and moan and then get back into the game.

• Read a publisher’s notes and learn from them.

• Separate your value as a person from the negative comments you may get about your work.

Here are some things not to do when you’re facing rejection:

• Don't abandon your book because someone else doesn't like it.

• When you submit your work, don't envision a negative outcome. A spiritual teacher once told me, “There are so many belief systems out there. None of them are right or wrong so you might as well choose one that makes you feel good.”

• Don't take rejections personally. They aren't about you.

• Never give up your dream, no matter how many people try to dissuade you.

If you want to be a writer, you need to hunker down and get strong enough to deal with mean-spirited people because you’re bound to run into a lot of them. Just remember that with each rejection, you can become a better writer. You can become a stronger person. As you learn to maneuver the roller coaster of submissions and rejections, take heart that at least you're willing to climb in, buckle up and take the ride in the first place.