Surviving Rejection: Excerpt from my book: A Friendly Guide to Writing and Ghostwriting
Rejection is the sand in the oyster, the irritation that ultimately produces the pearl.
- - - Burke Wilkinson
You’ve just poured your heart and soul into writing your book. You created an alternate world and you finished what you started. You suffered your inner critic abasing you. You encouraged yourself to keep writing. Now, holding the completed manuscript is exciting and satisfying – until you start sending it out to agents and publishers.
No matter how many affirmations you do, no matter how hard you try to change your attitude, rejection hurts like hell. I once audited a class from a highly respected poetry teacher in the Los Angeles area who encouraged his students to submit their material to as many publications as possible. “It’s not about acceptance or getting published,” he said. “I want you to get used to being rejected.”
All artists face rejection in one form or another. It’s as if you were pregnant for nine months, you had a hard labor, and finally, you birthed a baby, a perfect baby as far as you’re concerned. But when you show your newborn to other people, they’re not impressed. You can tell by the looks on their faces. They don’t like her eyes or they think he’s too fat. You take it personally and wonder if you’ve misjudged your precious creation. Will he or she grow up to be beautiful or ugly?
In 1943, just before she died, American modern dancer, innovator, and legendary choreographer, Martha Graham, received a note from a friend. She was a burgeoning choreographer, Agnes de Mille, daughter of world-famous producer, Cecil B. “I have a burning desire to be excellent,” Ms. De Mille wrote to Ms. Graham, “but I have no faith that I can be.”
Ms. Graham sent her the following response that has become a beacon for artists everywhere. I read it often so I can remember who I am and what I’m doing.
There is a vitality, a life force,
A quickening that is translated through you into action,
And because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique.
And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost.
The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is,
Nor how valuable it is, nor how it compares with other expressions.
It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.
You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.
You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate YOU.
No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever, at any time.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
A blessed unrest that keeps us marching
And makes “us” MORE alive than the others.
Have you ever gone to a high school reunion where the kids who used to be popular and gorgeous look ordinary. And the outcasts and the odd-looking ones have ripened into extraordinary beauties and successful people? Supermodels often talk about how awkward they felt when they were in school. They were tall, skinny and graceless, they felt like misfits, and they were criticized and bullied by the other kids. They judged themselves and were sure they would never measure up. They hid in the shadows in the schoolyard. But eventually they grew into themselves and became strikingly beautiful, wealthy and sought after.
When you face rejection, it’s easy to judge your work, decide it’s terrible and stash it away in a bottom drawer. Maybe you think hiding it will end your misery. It won’t. If you can accept it for what it is, as you edit and rewrite, you just might be able to watch your ugly duckling transform into a graceful swan as it makes its way out into the world.
Writer Barbara Kingsolver said, “Your returned manuscript that just came back from another editor is a precious package. Don’t consider it rejected. Consider that you’ve addressed it ‘to the editor who can appreciate my work’ and it has come back stamped ‘Not at this address.’ Keep looking for the right address.”
Submitting your manuscript to a professional is like taking a ride on a roller coaster. You get into your seat, buckle your safety belt, take some deep breaths and hang on for dear life. I detest roller coasters. I always have. I don’t like being jostled around in death defying drops and curves. I don’t like feeling out of control. Maybe you don’t either. But if you’re willing to take the ride and refuse to allow someone else’s criticisms about your work to deter you, you’ll find out that rejection is not a death knell. It’s just one person’s opinion about your work. Not about you. They don’t even know you. Just remember that when someone rejects your submission, they are rejecting your work. Not you.
The vulnerability is hard to bear when I submit a manuscript. I wait and wait while an agent might lose it under the pile on her desk. Someone doesn’t bother reading it, someone hates it, and someone else finds it boring. I once received a rejection letter from a publisher a full year after I submitted my manuscript. It still felt like a blow to the stomach, as painful as if I’d sent it out the day before.
Author Natalie Goldberg says:
If your book doesn’t sell or you can’t publish it, write another book. Quit sitting around. The publishing world is a business, but it’s not any big deal. An editor is not your guru. Your agent is not your guru. You don’t know what you’re doing. You’re just hoping that people won’t make fun of you.