Gratitude Shmatitude

I was watching a documentary recently produced by actor, Jonah Hill, about his beloved therapist, Phil Stutz. I deeply respected what this man had to say. In fact the more I watched, the more rapt I became. He had a distinctive view about writing. He said, “Nobody knows what's in the subconscious without activating it. And one trick about this is writing. It’s really a magical thing. You enhance your relationship with yourself by writing. If you start right, the writing is like a mirror. It reflects what’s going on in your subconscious and things will come out that you didn't know you knew.”

I related to everything he said. When I wrote my book, “Memoirs of a Ghost,” I was constantly stunned by what showed up on the page. But what I found most impressive about Dr. Stutz was his unique view of gratitude, his idea is that “having gratitude” can become stale. It becomes “gratitude shmatitude” when you repeat the same old stuff over and over that you’re grateful for. The words can lose their meaning, but if you dig a little deeper and become curious, you’ll find unusual things to be grateful for. Small things but important things. Dr. Stutz calls it a gratitude flow:

“I’m grateful for a good teacher from first grade. I’m grateful the elevator works. I’m grateful I have enough money to get a coffee from Starbucks.”

When you say these things out loud, he tells us, you can feel gratefulness around your heart and that's the peak of creativity. It’s an upward movement of force as you feel your chest soften. As it melts, you can feel the presence of otherworldly compassion and giving. Let it in. Stop trying to understand it, to name it or define it in words. Instead, feel the essence of gratitude radiate from the inside to the outside. It becomes a state of mind, a way of being rather than a particular person or thing. Instead of having gratitude, you are gratitude and it makes everyone around you feel loved.

One of the fastest ways to limit yourself is to flood your mind with negative thoughts. You feel like we’re drowning and the world becomes a dangerous place. The only way out is in, as we search for that gratitude, a river of warmth and kindness that gives us a reason to carry on. It’s a feeling that changes your frame of mind and gets you out of the maze of negative thinking.

I chose this particular topic because it’s Thanksgiving. I guess that’s pretty obvious. But so many of us crave that sense of connection that isn't always there when we gather around the table. Being with family can be challenging and guilt-free eating becomes a welcome distraction, but the feeling of thankfulness can cut through all of that and eating is not the most important part of the day. Some years back, I asked a friend where he had celebrated Thanksgiving. He smiled broadly and said, I went to Arby’s but I was thankful.”

This kind of gratitude flow can be short-lived like forgiveness and acceptance. So in order to continue to feel that flow, we have to practice it all the time. When we're in traffic. When someone yells at us. When we can't figure out how to fix the computer. A warmth and a softening will help the mind relax and it becomes much easier to change it. Just begin at the starting point, have patience with yourself and life will become a little easier to maneuver. And a lot easier to feel the love in your heart, a lightness of spirit and a welcome connection to friends and family.