You Got What You Got and You are Who You Are

For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.

                                                                        - - - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

A monk who lived next to a river was sitting on his meditation cushion, placing his attention on his breath, but he kept getting distracted. The river was flowing over some large rocks and making a loud splashing sound. It was driving the monk crazy and he couldn't concentrate. “I'd be much better at meditating,” he told himself, “if those rocks were rearranged.”

He walked over to the river, hoisted up each rock, (they were very heavy), and placed it down until they formed a different pattern. When he was through, his hands were bleeding, his back ached but he had done it. He was satisfied. Now he could meditate in peace.

He sat back down on his meditation cushion and closed his eyes. His back throbbed, his hands stung, he could put up with those things, but the sound of the river had become worse. Now, he longed for the way it had been before. He could try to put the rocks back, but there were no guarantees that it would be any better. He realized that he needed to accept things as they were and he decided to use the sound of the water to lull himself into a peaceful state. Very soon, all he could hear was his own breath.

It’s often a challenge  to accept things as they are. During the recent storm, I was in a power outage that lasted for three days. It was very cold and I had no heat, no electricity, no hot water, no lights, no TV, the energy was draining from my laptop and my food was going bad in the refrigerator. I tried to call DWP to report the outage and find out how long it would last, but no one was answering the phones. I Googled it and the only message they posted was: “Don't try to call us.”

I was angry and I felt victimized. I blamed the DWP until I read that 68,000 people were affected. None of us could do anything but accept it. We didn't have to like it. That’s one of the most common misconceptions of acceptance. It doesn’t necessarily mean liking something. Who likes coming in last in a competition, getting an illness or losing a loved one? Nobody, but at some point, we have to accept our reality, good or bad, or we’ll live in anger and disappointment for the rest of our lives.

When I accepted the fact that there no way to predict the length of the outage, I let go of my whining and I kicked into gear. I made a fire in the fireplace, I got out my flashlights, I went to a friend’s house who had electricity, had some dinner and I charged all my electronic devices. I slept at home under two down comforters so I could take care of my cat and although it was icy cold when I got up in the mornings, I understood what a privileged life I led. I couldn't stop thinking about homeless people who never had power. No heat. No hot water. No down comforters. No toilets. I can’t even imagine the kind of  acceptance that would require.

When I was in my late teens, dancing professionally, a visiting Dutch choreographer created a powerful ballet for my company that was set to electronic music. I was part of the original cast, I adored the choreographer and when he was finished, he went back to Holland to his own company. When I arrived at the studio the day after he left, I got ready to rehearse my part but that morning, they had given it to someone else. I was devastated that I had become the understudy for the role that was mine the day before.

I pouted in the corner at first, I was angry as hell and I thought terrible thoughts about the woman who had taken my place. I had no idea why they had given my part to her. Was she better than I was? I wanted to call Holland and report what was happening. Surely the choreographer would let them know they had made an error. But I let it go. I had to. The woman who had taken my place was a friend, it wasn’t her doing and it wasn’t the end of the world or the end of my career. No one indicated that I hadn’t done a good job. Maybe she and my previous partner looked better together. Maybe there was a good role for me that was coming up in the future. All I could do was accept it and train harder.

Acceptance is a tricky concept because more important than accepting others, is how we accept ourselves. That includes all of our emotions. Our anger. Our blame. Our fear. Our anxiety. It isn't about getting rid of anything. It’s about acknowledging it and loving ourselves anyway. When I listen to the pieces my students write in my classes, I see that we all battle self acceptance. We think we have to change in order to love ourselves but the truth is that when we accept our own negativity without trying to change it, that’s the highest form of self-love and it will eventually change all by itself.

Accepting yourself starts from the inside and radiates outward. It’s not the other way around. You can erase the lines on your faces and plump up your lips. You can get liposuction and have a facelift. That’s all fine, I have no judgments on any of it, but if you expect these things to help you accept yourself, it won’t work. It’s a waste of time to dislike how you look or how you sound or to compare yourself to anyone else in any way. Simply put, you got what you got and you are what you are. Lady Gaga sings:

“Don't hide yourself in regret, just love yourself, and you're set.

I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way.”